Therapy for nerds

Therapy for Nerds

I've spent years in talk therapy on and off. I've tried it all: CBT, ACT, Jungian, Internal Family Systems.

It's been really helpful in working through many issues. But I've often found myself craving a system.

As a business and process nerd, I wanted something repeatable. When X happens, do Y.

This year, I started doing Dialectical Behavior Therapy and it has really resonated for his exact reason. It's like therapy for business nerds: everything is just a flow chart.

You feel upset with your partner? Overwhelmed? Irritated? At a loss?

DBT gives you a system of next actions to take for each.

Here's two principles I like:

Do the Opposite - Break negative behavior by doing the opposite of what you feel. Follow these steps:

1. Identify the Urge - Notice the negative behavior you want to engage in. For instance, isolating yourself when feeling overwhelmed or lashing out verbally.
2. Do the Opposite Action - Actively choose to do the opposite of that urge.
3. Observe the Effect - Notice how doing the opposite affects your mood. Often, taking positive actions can change your emotions over time.

Emotional Regulation - Manage emotions in a healthy way by following these steps:

1. Assess the Situation - Identify what you're feeling and why. Is there an external trigger or internal thought causing the reaction?
2. Check Basics - Ask yourself if you've slept enough, eaten well, or are dehydrated. Physical needs can significantly impact emotions.
3. Breathing and Mindfulness - Take deep breaths or practice mindfulness to calm your initial emotional response.
4. Distract or Step Back - If you're still feeling overwhelmed, distract yourself with a different activity or take a break from the situation to gain perspective.
5. Physical Intensity - If emotions remain intense, engage in vigorous exercise or take a cold shower to physically alter your state.
6. Use Medication if Appropriate - If you're prescribed medication, consider if it's the right time to take it (e.g., anti-anxiety meds).

DBT is not holistic therapy. It's not going to help you work through childhood trauma or contemplate your family history. It's simply a model, for how to snap yourself out of unproductive habits.

I've found it really helpful and the "do the opposite" principle has definitely saved me from snapping in a few situations.

You can find therapist who practices DBT in your area on the Psychology Today database here.

Originally published in the My new favorite possession: a shotgun. issue of Never Enough.